Painful Beautiful

This is only the second full-length song I've written. The other I wrote nearly a year ago. I've been working on this off and on since for a few months ago until I forgot about it completely. Then, about a week ago, I discovered its existence, and I wrote the second half of the lyrics. The lyrics and the tune that goes with it were influenced by Three Days Grace, Skillet, Underoath, Breaking Benjamin, and Killswitch Engage. Also, lyrics in italics are screamed or shouted.

Painful Beautiful

[Intro]

Everything I know is on fire

Changes just making me tire

All around, I look for a light

But in the end, I get in a fight

Stooping lower after every mention

But yet, no one gives attention

To all the crimes that are committed

And the sins that remain unremitted


It seems hopeless

We are thoughtless

Look all around

But there’s nothing abound

Old ties are separating

And the world’s forever changing

For good or bad

I’d never know

For good or bad

I want you to let it show, show, show!


[Chorus:]

Painful Beautiful!

Nothing’s ever the same here, no

Painful Beautiful!

Devolving before our eyes, it’s

Painful Beautiful!

The twinkle in our gloomy future, you’re

Painful Beautiful!

Your new dress is changing you

But no matter what

It’s all painful and beautiful


[Short break]


[Echo about 4x:]

Painful Beautiful!


And so now try to look back

But all the charm, I see you now lack

For the only ones living in reality

Are the ones who found totality

In the Power, Almighty Power

Your touch has turned so sour

After all the times that we’ve been through

So what’s to do about you?

Bright to darkness com-ple-ete-ly

That dress has changed you in-fin-ite-ly

When will you ever see?


You follow me every-place

Leaves me in such disgrace

But I know… (Yes I know)

In the end who’s really right

For I’ll never leave your sight!


It seems worthless

We are heartless

Look all around

But there’s nothing abound

Old ties are deteriorating

And our world’s forever changing

For good or bad

How will we know?

For good or bad

Why won’t you just let it show, show, show?

(Show us all now!)


[Chorus:]

Painful Beautiful!

Nothing’s ever the same here, no

Painful Beautiful!

Devolving before our eyes, it’s

Painful Beautiful!

The twinkle in our gloomy future, you’re

Painful Beautiful!

That red dress is changing you

But no matter what

Your sight’s painful and beautiful


[Instrumental break/solo]


Why will you never change?

What keeps on fueling pain?

What will you ever see

What keeps on killing me?

When will the Master come

And heal your blinded eyes?


[Tempo cools down/music all but stops]


[Softly:]

It seemed hopeless

We’re all mindless

All I ever saw was you

Your sight’s painful

You’re so beautiful

When will you ever see…

Again?

Revolving Doors

This is a poem I wrote the last day of school, during 6th period PE.

Revolving Doors

Revolving doors spin us around

Leaving us in, leaving us out

Leaving warm-hearted in cold

Heartless winter snowdrifts

With piles of air and water

To drown the helpless voices

Voices of spirit

And voices of honor


The voices of truth at war

With rules all ignored

And sorrow calls for peace

Unheard and drowned all the same


Not one side pulling ahead

But both tearing the world around

Smashing pieces to boiling core

And smashing memories

From brainwashed men

Cries of the Crows

This is a poem that I wrote a couple of months ago, relatively on the spot. Dunno why I haven't gotten around to posting it here on Blogger, but...here it is:

Cries of the Crows

Always at my side

Brightening up my gloom

Turning bad days around

And making good ones perfect

But you have flown away

And wings I've not grown

To keep from falling

With the rest of our world


I dost sit still

Waiting, trying, hoping

For your own sweet call

That shalln't hear again

For a sense of realism

To see my own existence

But all I feel

Is the burning emptiness

That dost kill frequent

The burning coldness

Of starting over again

For the next time

Of many likely to come


But watching the sky

Spies a bird flying high

A bird familiar yet changed

All the same

As she flies right by


Only later dost she remember

And when she finally lands

The two lone black feathers

Found yet years later

Spell their ultimate Fate

Summer Goals

Lolz, only half of these are going to get done, I think.

• Complete summer school health
• Read The Great Gatsby, Invisible Man, Fahrenheit 451, The Book of Genesis, The Book of Exodus, and The Book of Leviticus
• Take dialectal journals on The Great Gatsby, and Invisible Man
• Produce a very short film
• Write a slightly longer script or two to produce in the next year
• Watch fireworks on the Day of Independence
• Read every single xkcd comic
• Self-learn Spanish III material
• Memorize the Presidents of the United States
• Visit some universities and colleges around the Southland
• Visit the San Diego County Fair
• Watch Star Wars, Harry Potter VI, and Transformers 2

White Space

White Space

The white space buzzes in solitude

As birds fly through in V-shapes

All is calm and rests in peace

With white space in a vast

Universe of apathy and morose

Floating on the nothingness

Of the eternal confinement

Is the young boy who runs

Running, through the same white fields

Until he finds he way home


But there is no home

And there are no birds

For they are spontaneous conjectures

Of his young by whittled mind


White is all he sees and

White is all he knows

Until he himself succumbs to the world

And becomes one with the white space

Cloaked

Cloaked

Cloaked and hidden

Taken from the world

Seen but unseen

There and gone

All in a flash

Ignored and thrashed

Until life shattered


The cloak was not chosen

The cloak grew on

Until it seamed

The cliff was falling

But the cloak was on

And no one saw

And no one rescued


One day they found

The empty cloak

Deprived of life

Its owner hidden

And missing from life

Hidden from the world

And now hidden from light

Roses (Thaw)

One of three poems I wrote during Spanish this past Tuesday. Check them all out.

Roses (Thaw)

Roses are red, and violets are blue

Until the cold freeze kills them to gray

And the uncertainty that appears

Builds on, until spring thaw

Fireman's Glory

I wrote this Thursday in Goodman's and finished it Friday during lunch. Somewhat short too, which is odd. There are...so many interpretations. Yet, I think it's very timely. So many ways to look at it. So many subjects. What's yours? Comments?

Fireman’s Glory

Burning wood and fiery cries

Sound the alarm of midnight skies

The fireman comes and runs abound

To deceive and say that all is asound

Except for the one that decides to scream

And from he, tears fall in a stream

As the fireman decides on his strike

With a torch the shape of a pike

One by one, they fight and die

Leaving their lies with a final sigh

Until the sun came up asoon

And the seeds began to bloom

Unnecessary (Love)

I wrote this earlier today on the whim. It's quite interesting and also contains a pretty profound double-meaning throughout if you can catch it. Read it. Comment on it. Thank you.

Unnecessary (Love)

Some say it’s needed

To keep running in the world

To save our brothers

From lives of misery

Simple things like money

The greedy rich man’s

Sword of deviltry

Or petty entertainment

With its degeneration

And all-for-naught morals

Excess and greed

Are the rules to live by

While peace and health

Call just to the birds

Until a tragedy strikes

And when to turn back

Would worsen it all

Glitz and glamour matter

As their own greatest fib

As a blindfold

For the shameful truth

Hidden in fire

And blurred in lust

And are friends thus so

When all they spread

Are engorging lies

And sinful influences?

Necessities we call

All these backwards things

Which many on Earth

Do easily without

When only one thing

Holds ourselves from

Our utter destruction

When all we need

Is Love

Pressure

I came up with this mainly this morning:


Pressure

Every day it boils on

Like the soda in bottle

Getting ready to just pop

After each longer day

Wears away to insane

Robbing of his sense

The one little comfort

And his peace and joy

Everything is separated

And all are foreign

Changed and gone

Even as they stand

Right by his side

Maybe he’s here

Or maybe they’re not

Times have changed

But the truth is eternal

And maybe some won’t know

But what in the world

Is to say they’re wrong?

He sees the fork

And turns the way

That will only lead

To a life of success

Before the Pressure

Forever draws him in

In Between

I’m never happy

And yet I’m never sad

I’m just always in between

Always looking forward

But always holding back

It’s just like I’m never here

With all the stuff upon my life

And the toils of everyday

I’m just never that alive enough

To enjoy all that I have been given

And all that I have earned

I just simply never have time

To be happy or sad

To rejoice or to mourn

For I’m just always in between

You: Stuff About Me

Let's see who REALLY knows me... So the deal is you post/email/whatever me back this thing with all the answers filled out, and then I'll do the same for you...

My name:

Who is the love of my life:

Where did we meet:

Take a stab at my middle name:

How long have you known me:

When is the last time that we saw each other:

Do I smoke:

Do I drink:

When is my birthday:

What was your first impression of upon meeting me:

Do I have any siblings:

What's one of my favorite things to do:

Am I funny:

What's my favorite type of music:

What is the best feature about me:

Am I shy or outgoing:

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:

Do I have any special talents:

Would you consider me a friend/good friend:

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):

What is a memory we have once had:

Have you ever hugged me:

Do you miss me...Do you think I miss you:

What is my favorite food:

Have you ever had a crush on me:

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

What's your favorite memory of me:

Who do I like right now:

What is my worst habit:

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:

Are we friends:

Will you repost this so I can do it for you:

25 Random Self-facts

Time for 25 random facts about me. (Random crickets chirping in the background.)

1. Plain and simply, I love my friends. All of them. They are usually my motivation and help keep me going, even though I seldom show that they mean a lot to me.

2. The exact same applies to my family.

3. I enjoy making films as a hobby (and, obviously, for VCTV). Tons of fun. Nevertheless, I don't think I want to make a career out of it.

4. Speaking of that, I want to study to become a big-name architect. Can anyone say Berkeley or Stanford?

5. Oftentimes, out of depression or plain old boredom (more lately the latter), I'll write poetry. I love writing of my own free will.

6. I started out my life living in West Esco, moved to Valley Center in 7th grade, and then moved back to East Esco about 10 months ago.

7. I'm trying to make the Lord a bigger part of my everyday life. If you think this is not logical, then...convery, already!

8. I honestly feel that I have been given sort of task or purpose to accomplish in my life, but only time will tell what exactly that is.

9. I'm on the school's academic team. Geeky, huh?

10. I love music, and the world would probably be a much sadder place without it after all. I like all type of music, but rock most.

11. I actually do like some forms of rap and hip-hop. People like Kanye and Common. People like Lil Wayne, however...not that much.

12. I don't always have that high of a self-esteem level. Go figure.

13. I have no life. Again, go figure. Lol.

14. I try to tend to not brag about myself. I don't like it. And I find people boasting about me as...very annoying.

15. I always listen to both sides of any issue or arguement and (tend to) to people's stories.

16. People label/call me a good "advice giver." Fabio the Shrink? Sure, let's go with that.

17. My brother shares the same birthday (in month and day) as me.

18. I haven't been to the movies for almost two years now. Sad? Anyone wanna help me with that, lol?

19. If you wonder where my favorite place to eat is, just look for the two palm trees in the X-shape.

20. I think I have had carpal tunnel syndrome for quite some time now (not that you know what that is). Fun.

21. When I sleep, I have very strange and unreal dreams. That's when I actually sleep long enough to produce dreams, that is.

22. Sometimes it rocks being "the smart one" around. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's annoying.

23. School has been getting rather annoying lately... I blame it on all the work and reading involved.

24. I'm sure most will end up agreeing with me in saying that sophomore year tends to be the worst of one's high school career. It really isn't that bad, though, all the time.

25. Many time I've looked back on my life and honestly asked myself "How?"

And a few more that didn't quite make the cut:

26. Sometimes it's the little things that people say or do that make or break my day.

27. I'm a lot more emotional on the inside than I am on the outside.

28. I have an awesometastic phone! Lol!

29. I'll often look fine and feel dying on the inside; I'll often look emotionless and be joyous in the inside.

Limericks

This was from an assignment for Dolan's class, to make up a poster, song, skit, or poem based off of the Greek story of Oedipus Rex. Enjoy.

Limericks

There once was a man from Thebes

Who often wore shirts with no sleeves

He married his mother

After killing his father

And as a child he fell out of trees

His parents left him to die

Because an oracle at Delphi

Correctly predicted

That he’d be addicted

To killing his father with pie

He met five men on the street

And with a large stick he was beat

That’s what she said

And then they were dead

It was quite a marvelous sight

Although all this was foretold

He never noticed his wife was so old

Till he uncovered the lies

And gouged out his eyes

But the cheese was covered in mold

(Legend: Lance, Fabio, Nick, Antonio, Ben)

One Man's Hope

"...Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness...

We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America..."


--Barack Hussein Obama
Inauguration Address to the Nation
January 20, 2009

Around and Around

Suggestions for a better title, perhaps?

Around and Around

I cannot help but sometimes think

Of all the days I just sit there

With nothing to do

And nothing to say

All as our world keeps crashing down

While society only de-evolves itself

But yet they all seem so happy

So pleasant… So careless

So where am I?, I ask myself

On these lonely occasions

Why is it that to be right is wrong?

And that to be wrong is glorified?

What have we come to?

And where have our morals gone?

I cannot help but sometimes think

That I’m at the short end of the stick

That I’m the one caught back in time

It’s the whimsical things of light

That are always blamed on me

And always come around to me

I do what I think is right and just

But sometimes I end up only hurting

Myself and those I cherish

And that in society’s ruthless path

I’m left behind and alone

With only the Truth to save me

When the Day and Time arrives

One Step Away

Here's a pretty quick rap I wrote instead of taking my Spanish final this morning. It has a rather quick beat that goes pretty much to the verse tune of "Touch the Sky" by Kanye West and Lupe Fiasco. Tell me what you think of it.

One Step Away

Everywhere we go

Through all the twists and turns

We’re one step away

From the glory and fame

We’re just one step away

From winning the game

Until, that is, you see

That it’s the game that deceives you

And you learn ultimately

That it’s the game that defeats you

And now you’re just one step away

From being taken under

You’re just one step away

From making a stupid blunder

That you will regret

But then you think for a moment

Clean your messed mind up

See the light in the tunnel

(The one way over there)

And realize that

We’re one step away

From having it all

We’re just one step away

From forgetting it all

[music begins to fade out]

Only one step away 

From climbing back up this cliff

Starting over

Taking the lead

And not looking back

On the other side

Where you’re only one step away

From taking a fall

Finals Week

Well, to put things short, it's been one heck of a week: good old, er, dreaded, finals week. Pretty much the entire day Tuesday (yes, that includes while at school) was dedicated to studying for our AP Euro semester final, which I apparently aced with flying colors. Most of this week I've gotten off school at noon and had half the day to chill with friends/sleep/watch TV/eat/SLEEP. 

The good thing now is that it's over and I have absolutely nothing school-related to do this weekend. I should probably be appreciative of that, as this will likely be the only such weekend until the end of the year. And while my classes won't be changing, there will be some people moving in and out of my classes next week, so we'll see how that works out... 

In addition, all next week is this "Breaking Down the Walls" crud, which is supposed "unite the school" and "encouage people to open up and talk to others that they otherwise wouldn't socialize with." Sounds interesting, but we'll see how it turns out. I'm getting the day off Wednesday (2-4-6) to be a part of it. Don't expect your teachers to be doing much of anything next week because of people leaving for stuff.

Which reminds me, here's next week's schedule:

Monday: No School

Tuesday: 1/Assembly-N-1/Assembly-3-L-5 (1:13p)

Wednesday: 2-N-4-L-6 (2:07p)

Thursday: All Classes (2:07p)

Friday: All Classes (2:40p)

As far as this weekend, however, tomorrow I have a party to go to, and Sunday, to my dismay, I will not be watching the Chargers play the Ravens in the AFC Championship. Oh, yes, and my camera is not i n good shape right now...something decided to screw up in the screen...grr!!!... Ah, then there's my phone, of which the pound (#) doesn't work and therefore I can't type spaces in texts...grr... But other than that, life's pretty good. For now, enjoy the weekend (new writing piece later today).

A Friend (All This Time)

Here's a poem I've written up a few days ago. It's the first full poem I've written since last summer. Personally, I don't think it's quite as good or original as my older stuff, but what do I know, I'm just the guy writting these things. It seems almost childish, but I think it still has a nice ring to it. And if it's not apparent to you after you finish reading it, this isn't about a girl, or anything like that at all. Enjoy.

A Friend (All This Time)

I think I was still just little

When I first saw and met you

You were a friend of mine, yes

But I never really stopped, sat down

And really talked to you for long

When I could play with all my

Other good friends down in the sandbox

And then eventually, undoubtedly,

I turned and left your fading image

Until I fell in the wretched pit

That I thought would only better me

But in turn only battered me

So as I walk down this desolate road

Filled with little more than misery

I see a small, very quiet bench

On which I sit down and think

About everything that I’ve done

Until I turn my head

And to my amazement

I see You, sitting right beside me

On the cold, freezing bench

You went out to look for me, worried sick

And You’ve been here, all this time

In Context (Intro)

Well, what can I say, this is my blog, where I'll write pretty much whatever's on my mind and then some. Over the Christmas break I spent about a day's worth putting everything together to make this (and my other blog) look how they do now. 

Anyhow, so where do I start? I'm sixteen, though you probably already know that unless you've stumbled across this quite randomly 0.o and I'm pretty much taking life as it comes at me as a mixed bag. You could say I do well in school, and my hobbies are pretty much making periodic films, writing short pieces (note the short part), listening to music, doing homework, and being bored (hence this blog, eh?). Let's see, what else... Oh, yes, the Chargers are on a roll right now... I'm 16 and still can't get my license just yet... I haven't even been out driving for about two months since we pretty much lost one of the other cars in what was actually a fairly minor accident (don't even get me started on that), and I should get started on that again soon if I want to be able to drive myself to school by next year. Otherwise I might not be able to manage the trip up and down the hill each and every day. And that would not be good, to say the very, very least. 

And then there's my dad, who will hopefully be getting this much better job that he's getting his way closer and closer to. But even then, that would make things easier and yet harder all same. Let's see... What else? Oh, yes, finals (midterms, sorry) are next week, but I don't seem to stressing out about them for some reason. I guess I'm not really worried about them, which is quite good. (I seem like I'm talking to myself, don't you?) My friends and family and faith are all the most important things to me, and they're my motivation and probably don't even know how much I love them all as they read these words. Wait... Now I'm changing tenses, aren't I? 

*Blah* It must be the midnight moon, then, making me seem to rant. Oh, yes, and I love music. Pretty much all types. But rock (of all varieties) more than the others. 

Anyhow, so that's pretty much a bit of an intro, a very slight, on-the-surface getting-to-know-me. But you already know me. Chow-for-now, and keep reading for what's ahead.

--Joshua Fabian